


Forgotten Mourning

by in_the_bottle



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-24
Updated: 2003-09-24
Packaged: 2017-11-02 10:50:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/368173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_the_bottle/pseuds/in_the_bottle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set right after the ep <i>Once Upon A Time</i>. Tom's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgotten Mourning

**Author's Note:**

> I blame this on the talk about C/P songs with Moll and Rach on their [webpage's](http://chasing-shadows.com/) BBoard. It a good thing really. I haven't written anything in a while and was starting to feel like I might never write again. Glad to be proven wrong on that point! :)
> 
> Many thanks too BJ and Connie for the beta!
> 
> Timeline: Set after Once Upon A Time

Lt. Paris' Personal Log, Stardate 52139.4:

_Harry had invited me to the holodeck to unwind after we got back, but I wasn't in the mood to socialize._

__

_Close calls. Over the years, I guess I'm getting familiar with them despite my best efforts, but none of them had affected me as much as it did this time. No time to think, only react. That's the typical situation. This time, it was the complete opposite. There wasn't anything to do. Just sit and wait._

__

_I know which one I prefer._

__

_*sigh*_

__

_They always say that when you're about to die, your life flashes before your eyes. They never did mention that you'll end up examining every single facet of it when you have to sit around waiting for the end to come._

__

_I never was good at being honest with myself... or with others for that matter._

__

_*chuckle*_

__

_My last message. I know everyone expected it to be for B'Elanna or Harry, so, that's what they got. But if I was honest with myself...._

__

_*sigh*_

__

_He was the most important person in my life._

__

_Huh. Was._

__

_Is?_

__

_I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore._

__

_There was a time in my life when I would've done anything for him. Anything. And I have a nagging feeling that I still might._

__

_Harry once told me to let the past lie in the past, but how can I do that when it's all that I have to hold on to? To make sure that it had been all... real?_

__

_Every so often, when I look into the mirror, I can still see him there, with me. Despite the circumstances then, we were happy._

__

_I don't think I remember how happy feels anymore._

__

_Sometimes in my dreams, I can almost feel it again. Joy, laughter, love.... but none of them are really there even though I wanted so much to... catch them._

__

_*small laugh*_

__

_How pathetic is that?_

__

_Still haven't a clue what made him think that I was even capable of betraying him. Seska had a hand in it that much I'm sure of, but I don't know what went on in that stupid head of his, for him to think that I'm able to.... I was angry with him for a long time..._

__

_*sigh*_

__

_How could he have forgotten us? How good we were together. I believed in him, in_ us _!_

__

_He betrayed_ me _, damn it! Not the other way round!_

* * *

"Computer, end log." Tom let out a sigh and closed his eyes, leaning his head against the cool panel of the window. The glass fogged when he breathe out, making the stars sparkle.

Opening his eyes, Tom looked around his quarters, suddenly feeling claustrophobic within its confines.

"Computer, is the observation lounge on deck 15 occupied?"

"Negative."

"I'm outta here," he muttered even as he strode out.

* * *

The sound of the doors opening interrupted his thoughts, he turned.

Chakotay.

Two steps into the room, recognition, and the other man turned to leave.

"Don't." Tom said, looking at the other man.

The Commander paused.

Tom turned his attention back to the stars, unsure about his own action.

Tired.

It had been a long day; he was tired and wasn't thinking clearly.

It had been a long few years; he was beyond tired and didn't want to think.

Just react.

Like he always did when faced with a close call.

Tom could feel Chakotay's eyes on him.

Who was Chakotay seeing?

The cocky pilot? The son of an Admiral?

Or Judas?

He didn't want to be any of those tonight. All he wanted was to be Tom.

It had been a while since he had been just Tom. Had almost forgotten who Tom was, almost.

"Tom?"

It had been a while since Chakotay had called him Tom.

Footsteps.

Tom turned, surprised to see the other man less than an arm's length away.

The urge to reach out was strong, but he resisted. Tug and pull; the familiar war between his heart and mind started.

He was so tired.

"Tom?"

A touch on his hand that was resting on the window; the first in a long time.

The strength flowed out of him and he crumbled.

"I'm sorry." Soft voice, warm breath against his ears, strong arms holding him up.

The End  



End file.
